And I Found Myself Like Never Before

It was a usual Sunday morning and I had my Maths class test (I had studied for this one). It is the beginning of class 12^th and we are all on this study spree regarding this whole CBSE Board thing. I am not the one who usually studies for a Maths class test but this time it was different. Since the past two weeks I had been in a deplorable academic condition. All these days I used to sit in the class and stare blankly at the blackboard trying to fathom what the teachers wrote. All I could still fathom was that I was a loser. Absolutely. Completely. One part of me cursed the education system and just wanted to write multiple poems to the non-existent love of my life while the other half nudged my loser self to work hard in order to achieve my long-lost dreams. In short, I was constantly at war with myself.

With all these thoughts playing in the back of my mind, I completed the math test way ahead of time. I submitted my sheet and glanced back at my friends who were furiously stabbing their answer sheets and I knew better than to wait for them to finish. So I went out, alone. I had a lot of time in hand and as I had mentioned earlier, it was a Sunday morning. Cold winds, seclusion and stuff. A solitary walk was needed. High time. So I started walking. I had no idea where to go but I wanted to reach as soon as possible. I had long been in search of a parallel universe, or maybe the fourth-dimension. I just wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere better. I wanted to explore. But before that, perhaps, all I needed was to find myself. Explore myself.

While I was walking, the first drops of drizzle touched my palm. Unnerved, I kept walking. I saw a man fixing the chains of his bicycle. I couldn't have been of any help. Loser. I kept walking and reached a familiar road.  I remembered how I used to walk here and listen to Tum Se Hi with Tanya. She was probably still stabbing her answer sheets right now. I put the thought away and started walking swiftly. I came to a sudden halt in front of an old park which was almost to ruins. Due to the recent turmoil of bad weather, a few trees had fallen in the middle of the park which blocked the inside view. I kicked a few bushes off the entrance and went inside. Thankfully, one of the benches, though muddy, was still intact. The fallen trees provided a kind of enclosure and blocked this spot entirely out of public view. Relived, I sat down.

For a moment, I sat there emotion-less. And then it happened. Tears trickled down my face beating the speed of the ongoing drizzle and soon I was exhausted and choked. But when I stopped and wiped my tears away, I swear, I had found myself. This was the place. I picked up my phone wanting to listen to some radio but realized I never brought earphones to the math class. Then I saw my register. And my pen. Bliss was never so exquisite. It was the end to my month-long block and I kept writing until I had nothing more to say. It felt as if a big burden was hustled off my shoulders. I felt light as a bubble, ready to float around without the fear of being pricked.

I saw that my phone was vibrating. It was Arunma’s call. They had finished the test. I got up to walk back. But I was different now, no longer the same person who wanted to run away. Now I had the courage to bounce back, and fight.